Publish Post or Save Now

I have so much on my mind these days... and I decided to write some of it down to get it off my chest. But, I was torn between saving this post or just publishing it even though it is pretty negative, depressing stuff. I decided to hit publish... so this is a warning to anyone reading, that this post contains depressing life issues. Here goes...

I have been seriously neglecting my blog as of late, and it is for many reasons. The usual, "my daily life is completely crazy insane busy..." and then there is the whole, "just not feeling my usual self." I don't know what it is, but for about the last month, I have been doing some serious thinking about the important things, the things that matter. Anytime something tramatic happens in your life, you stop what you are doing and take time to process, cope and regroup. I haven't personally gone through any trama, but I have been unusually strongly affected by the devastation that goes on around me. I have been desperately trying to process events that I hear about, and am brought to tears just hearing morbid story after story. It started when the Oakland Police officers were murdered, and when we went to the A's game in April, the ceremony honoring them and raising money for their families was extremely overwhelming. All those children without fathers, parents without sons... unthinkable. Then we went home after the game and had a nice Easter weekend with my family and neighbors. Turns out, after that same A's game, my brother's childhood best friend was going home for the last time. His girlfriend murdered him on his front porch, she waited for him to return from the game, then shot him in the face. He was a good guy, in a bad relationship, and he lost his life, his mother lost her only son in an instant. Unthinkable. I hear terrible news all the time, it's always hard to process, but lately, it's like I can't process it. I look at my kids, and I feel blessed, so blessed. But, at the same time, I feel like I have no control over what is to come. I have been given these healthy children, and all I want to do is guide them the best that I can and hope that we will have a lifetime together. As Kylee and Owen are growing and encountering more and more life situations, I do my best to be a positive influence. But, in this crazy world, I don't even know what the best answer is anymore. When Kylee tells me about another Kindergarten girl bully-ing her, and calling her a loser then forcing her down the slide- my mama insticts kick in and I just want to go down there and rip that kid out of class and see how tough she is in front of grown ups. But, how I react, is how my kids are going to react. I told Kylee she doesn't need to waste her time being around someone who doesn't seem to want to have any fun, and to find her good friends and try to always search out the positive. I don't want my kids to be victims, and I certainly don't want them to hold their anger in, and grow up being abusive and taking it out on others. Dealing with anger is something that needs to start at a young age. I get tested every single day, when addressing Owen's outbursts. I can tell that kid holds the weight of the world on his 3 year old shoulders, and he gets explosive at times. We try so many different methods, and I seriously don't know what the answer is. I do know that I don't yell anymore, and I don't fight his behavior anymore, because that absolutely doesn't work. He needs strong, firm, consistant disclipline, and I do my best to be that. When I scream and yell, everyone feels so much worse, including myself. So, now I talk calmly, and we take lots of deep breaths and we talk about what is upsetting Owen. It doesn't work right away, but he always calms down and he always wants to talk about what happened eventually. I have really changed the way I look at Owen, espcially. I used to feel like "I'm his mom, I know best, he needs to listen to me so he can learn the difference between right and wrong." But now, I respect that he is his own person, I gave birth to him, but I don't own him. I think of him like a little man, who has very real, strong feelings. I talk to him rationally, and we work together to figure out right and wrong. He still gets pissed, but at least now I don't just instantly shut him down for bad choices. We have to work through almost every situation. Anger is very real. It is real for babies, for toddlers, for kids, teens, and adults. Everybody gets angry, it's how we handle it that makes or breaks you. I woke up today and heard on the news that a boyfriend was upset at his girlfriend, so he threw her 3 month old baby on a highway. I couldn't hold back tears- the visions of this beautiful baby can't leave my mind. We live in a terrible world where people do terrible things and get away with it and I'm absolutely sick of it. How is this mom supposed to go on? I felt so much guilt changing my baby girl's diaper, as she smiled and giggled up at me. A mother saying goodbye to a child, of any age, at the hands of a cold blooded killer is something I cannot process.

The only thing that keeps going through my head is that these adults decided that murder was an OK, reasonable reaction in a moment of extreme rage, they obviously had no clue how to handle themselves in real life situations. Or do they? Is killing each other going to soon become the norm? What has happened in our world? Why is this ok? Families have lost beloved family members because enraged people decided they should end innocent life.

So, that is where my head has been the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've checked out and given up on our society, but it's just got me thinking. And it's got me to slow down and make sure to enjoy every second I have with my beautiful family. Do me favor and hug your loved ones today.